Permission to Feel

I have spent much of my life working alongside people as they navigate some of the biggest changes a human being can experience. And if there is one thing I wish we gave people more often, it is permission.

Permission to feel whatever they feel.

Permission to make choices we may not make ourselves.

Permission to grieve differently.

Permission to change their minds.

Permission to say, “This is what I need.”

We talk a lot about autonomy in end-of-life care. But autonomy is about so much more than medical decisions. It is about having a voice. Having choices. Being allowed to remain the person you are, even when your circumstances are changing.

And yet, we have become very comfortable telling other people how to live, how to love, how to pray, how to grieve, how to die, and how to feel about the things happening in their own lives.

Especially when we disagree.

I recently witnessed a daughter become angry when her dying mother expressed curiosity about an option she was considering for her own end-of-life care. The daughter's love for her mother was unmistakable, but so was the weight of her own beliefs. Her mother eventually became quiet and simply said, “Okay, honey. Whatever you want me to do.”

And that broke my heart. Because love can sometimes become so tangled with our own fear, beliefs, and wishes that we unintentionally take away the very thing we are trying to protect: someone's voice.

Later, I sat with the daughter privately. We talked. And eventually, she gave her mother something incredibly important, a safe place to speak again.

Her mother shared what it was like to live inside her body at that moment. The physical suffering, yes, but also the emotional and spiritual weight she was carrying. Her daughter listened.

And then she said something that changed everything:

“Mom, whatever you choose, I will support you.”

She put her personal feelings aside.

That is love, too.

We don't have to agree with someone's choices to respect them.

We don't have to understand someone's feelings to make room for them.

We don't have to have an opinion about everything.

Sometimes our role is simply to listen.

To stay.

To say, “I may not choose this for myself, but I love you, and I am not going anywhere.”

And if being present feels too difficult, we are allowed to step back in a way that protects our own well-being. That is autonomy, too.

I believe we need more of this in our world, not just at the end of life, but everywhere.

People navigating illness.

People grieving.

People changing careers.

People ending relationships.

People making choices we don't understand.

People becoming someone we didn't expect them to become.

Give yourself permission to not have an opinion.

Give other people permission to have their own.

And above all, when someone you love is moving through something you cannot change, resist the urge to tell them how to be in their own life.

Gather around them instead.

Listen.

Love them.

Let them have their voice.

We don't have to agree.

We also don't have to walk away.

xo

Gabby