The First Anniversary Is Not the Finish Line

The first anniversary of someone's death is not the finish line, it is simply a mile marker on a track that we will continue going around for the rest of our lives.

I don't think I truly understood that until my brother died almost four years ago.

Despite years of working in end-of-life care and experiencing and witnessing more grief than I can count, some part of me believed that once I reached the first anniversary of his death, I would somehow feel better.

But that is not how grief works.

I remember approaching that first anniversary and finding myself reliving everything that led to his last breath. And then I realized something: we do this every year. Birthdays, holidays, special occasions, the anniversary of a diagnosis, an accident, a decline, and ultimately the day they died. It is almost a Groundhog Day of grief. We revisit these moments, sometimes without even realizing we are doing it.

With my brother's death came the realization that I was also revisiting losses I hadn't fully grieved before. When I look back, I realize I have been grieving for nearly 40 years. When those losses were fresh, I couldn't have imagined how I would feel today.

I think grief becomes more familiar over time, but I am not sure it necessarily becomes easier. In some ways, the absence grows. We miss them not only for who they were, but for all the years we have lived without them, all the moments they weren't here to share, and all the memories we wish we could still make with them.

The longer someone has been gone, the more life there is to miss them through.

I am learning that it is okay to revisit memories, to mourn, to still feel sadness, and to feel that familiar ache as another anniversary approaches.

I have also learned that it feels good to remember, to say their name, and to talk about the things I love most about them. For a long time, I think I believed I wasn't supposed to go back, talk about it, or let people see how much it still hurt.

I don't believe that anymore.

I don't want to stop remembering people who helped shape my life. I don't want to measure my healing by how little I think about them or how long it has been since they died.

As you have probably heard me say before, there is no “D” at the end of love when someone dies. We love them, and we always will.

So perhaps each anniversary really is just another mile marker on a track we will continue going around for the rest of our lives. And I am okay with that. It doesn't make the loss any less sad, it simply reminds me that I experienced love, that I still carry it, and that it matters.

And that is something I never want to leave behind.

xo

Gabby