Grief... the visitor that never leaves
Grief... is so darn messy. Right?
I made a promise to myself after my brother died, that when grief decided to come for a visit, I would welcome it in, sit with it, talk to it, feel it, and let it know, that I know... it is here to stay. It visits often, it knows that the door is always open. The way I look at it, if I invite it in, if I leave the door open for it to come any time it needs to, then maybe I will learn to be more comfortable around it.
I was talking to a friend the other day, explaining how it hits me so randomly sometimes, really unpredictably, and I find myself feeling off balance, unsteady, and a little bit fragile. She asked what triggered me most, which is a very good question. For me it is the memories... sometimes I will just remember and that is when it hits me hard. He keeps sneaking into the creases of my memories and takes over. Most of the time I like it... I like that I have the memories, I like that they are stored for me to visit any time I want to.
Every morning, before I get out of bed, I take a moment and think of him. I always send him a message to remind him how loved and missed he is. I say his name out loud, I like the sound of it. Sometimes I add my sister, my parents, and a few close friends I've also said goodbye to. I find that if I start the day with him (them) I am a little less sad. This has helped me a lot with the roller coaster of emotions that come with the grieving process.
Grief is the visitor that never leaves, but I am learning to be okay with that. Grief is the ache that comes with remembering someone you love... someone you have had to say goodbye to, someone you will never see again. The reality of that is really tough to digest, but we learn how. We have to.
I will keep the door open, because I want grief to feel welcome here, with me. I know that grief never leaves us, I know that it does not follow any time clock or calendar, and that it comes and goes whenever it wants to, promising to return. Because my grief is so fresh, I am prepared for it to change, to evolve, and to come at me with different textures... some rough, but some soft too, and that comforts me.