Heightened awareness when someone is near death

One of the things I stress most to the people at the bedside of someone who is dying, is to be mindful of how aware their person is, even when completely non-responsive. I truly believe that they know you are there, they hear everything you say, they pick up on your energy and what you bring into the room, and they know when they are dying. I think they become more aware of everything when they are near death.

You have probably been told or have witnessed that the hearing is in many ways heightened at the end of life. For years I have shared this with family members, encouraging them to say the most important things they need to say before someone takes their last breath. And while I believe this with every ounce of my being, until it happened to me personally, did I know for certain.

When my brother was intubated and unresponsive in the ICU, I expressed regret over past conflicts and time lost, and I kept saying “I’m sorry.” The day before he died, he woke up, they took him off the ventilator and the oxygen, and I asked him if he knew I was there, and he said to me “I’m sorry too.” Hearing those words meant everything, but more than that was knowing that he heard mine, and he took them with him.

Do they hear you when you are talking to them? Yes!

So, keeping that in mind, know that they also hear you when you are talking about them, when you are chatting with others, and when you are distracted by your phone, computer, or whatever else you have going on.

Knowing this information should inspire us even more to ask the people we love what they would want to hear at the end of their life such as music, prayers, reading from a favorite book, listening to the news or a television show, or do they want silence at their bedside? If we know this, then when that time comes, we can honor them in the way that they deserve. This is why having these conversations are so important way before someone begins to decline from age or illness.

If your person dies shortly after you leave or before you return, it may indicate their preference for privacy at that moment. It is important not to take this personally or feel that you have abandoned them. Perhaps they did not want that to be the last thing you witnessed. Their awareness may guide them to choose a private moment for their final breath, which from their perspective is as much for you as it is for them.

I don't think they take with them who was there at the last breath, I think they take with them who was there all along.

Having conversations about end-of-life preferences ahead of time allows us to respect and fulfill their wishes. Offer to make them a playlist of their favorite songs, or ask which prayers, poems, or books they would like you to read from.

Have the conversation now… don’t wait for the bedside or when they are no longer able to respond. Ask them now, so you can honor them when it matters most.

xo

Gabby

I wrote "The Conversation" as a guide to help start important discussions. It includes tips and tools, along with insights from people at the end of their lives about what mattered most to them, how they wished others had communicated with them, and their preferences for care. Their contributions may also benefit you.

You can find this book here: https://www.amazon.com/Conversation-guide.../dp/B0CZXD4BT4