How we die matters.

When I hand someone the Medical Aid in Dying medications, I realize the gravity of my role and the outcome. I never take this lightly and often wonder, “would this be my choice too?”

This blog isn't solely focused on Medical Aid in Dying. While I am a proponent, I recognize that not everyone shares this view, and I respect their perspectives. The main purpose of this blog is to emphasize that the way we die is important.

The care we receive is important.

Having our choices acknowledged and respected is important.

And being aware that we have a choice is important.

Regarding Medical Aid in Dying, I want to emphasize that this decision is not made lightly. In my view, it is a very challenging choice that requires courage and bravery. When I prepare the medications for ingestion, I can't help but consider how difficult it must be to decide to proceed with this.

Some label it as selfish. Those who feel this way often desire more time and don't want their loved one to "give up." I understand that perspective. However, from their viewpoint, they are not experiencing the quality of life they desire. They often endure physical suffering, as well as emotional, spiritual, and mental distress. And while everyone knows they are not a burden, they can't help but feel they are imposing on those who love and care for them. Believe me when I say that whether they express it or not, knowing that you suffer as you watch them suffer only deepens their pain. In my opinion, this decision is incredibly selfless.

I ask myself often what I would do if in those same shoes?

Would I choose Medical Aid in Dying?

Would I choose Voluntarily Stopping Eating and Drinking (VSED)?

Would I choose Palliative Sedation?

Or would I choose to live despite it all?

I do have choices. And so do you!

When my brother was in the ICU, he briefly woke up and was able to talk after the ventilator and oxygen were removed. The doctor asked him, if needed, would he want all life saving measures taken, including a tracheostomy, machines, and a feeding tube to stay alive, and my brother agreed to everything. The doctor also mentioned he might need full-time care in a facility for life, and my brother consented. Internally, I was screaming "NO!" as I felt he didn't understand his choices, like comfort care, which I realized would be my preference. I was projecting my desires onto him.

My brother wanted to live and that was his choice. I had to accept this and I needed to make peace with it, which I did, only he died a few hours later. And because he told them he wanted all life saving measures, I witnessed a horrific way to die. I would not wish that on anyone.

What would I choose? I would choose to live, to be with my family, to see my grandchildren grow, and to enjoy as much of life as I possibly can. However, if I was suffering and knew it would only worsen, I would prefer to end it on my own terms, with the support of my loved ones. We show more compassion to our animals than to our fellow humans. We wouldn't let our animals suffer, even though it's difficult to part with them. Why would we choose to allow suffering to linger, for ourselves or the people we love?

If the decision involves my level of suffering, I want less suffering. To reduce pain, I would increase medication. If it offers a better quality of life and more time, I want to understand what that means. I don't want to suffer at the end of my life or for loved ones to witness it.

I have written all of this down. This way, my family knows how I want to be cared for at the end of my life. And, they don't have to make my decisions for me, they can just honor the decisions I have made.

Please have the conversation with the people you love now, let them know what is most important to YOU. And as the listener of these difficult words you are hearing, please support them and let them know you will honor them in the beautiful, respectful way they deserve. How we die matters.

xo

Gabby

My book “The Conversation” might be helpful to get this conversation started whether someone is declining or not.

My book “Dignity Day” offers more clarity and insight about Medical Aid in Dying and how you can choose this option, or support someone who has.