I Can Smile

When we experience trauma, physical or emotional, our ability to smile can often diminish, regardless of whether it was something that happened many years ago in our childhood, or it was just the other day. We can find ourselves triggered when we watch a movie, hear a news story, or read something on social media, immediately bringing us back to the time that took our smile away.

I am speaking from experience, as I sadly went through many moments in my life that never seem to fully leave my memory, despite how hard I have desperately tried to tuck them down. And I also experience trigger moments which admittedly have left me questioning if I will ever have uninterrupted moments of smiling again.

Grief has done that for me as well. I can be fine one minute, moving through each day with ease and grace, completely separating myself from my childhood experiences and my recent losses that have elevated my emotional and physical response to grief.

The reaction we have when someone dies can often feel traumatic. And while not all grief is traumatic, grief and trauma can sometimes intersect, but the two are different emotional experiences, not all grief involves trauma, and not all trauma involves grief.

Over my lifetime I have found that sometimes, smiling is hard to do.

It can often be hard to find something to smile about.

It can take a lot of work to force a smile.

Sometimes I fake smiling to avoid burdening someone else with the deep personal pain I might be experiencing. It’s easier that way.

Sometimes, my smile is genuine, and big, and represents beautiful, happy moments that I cherish and hold onto tightly. I love these moments the best.

My granddaughter drew this picture several years ago, and I framed it immediately. I have looked at it every day for the past few years and until today, did the words, “I can smile,” really resonate.

I think I have spent so much energy on the things that have triggered me over the years, and that continue to trigger me, that I, in many ways, just got used to not smiling (at least on the inside). And then, recently especially, I stopped counting the days that I wasn’t smiling and realized that I finally am.

Life won't always feel like a frown… allow yourself to smile, try it out, let it happen from time to time… and eventually, you'll notice that your smile lasts a bit longer than it used to.

My message to myself… “I can smile.”

And my message to you… is that you can too.

xo

Gabby