"If I knew then what I know now I would have done things differently."
This is something I have said many times over the years.
I had the most wonderful conversation with my friend Leah about the life I have led, the choices I have made, and the regrets I have about the myriad of ways that I have allowed other people to treat me, or rather... allowed their treatment of me, to dictate how I treated myself.
I reflected back to the abuse I have experienced; physically, mentally and emotionally, and how deep the scars are from a time where I was left feeling unwanted, unworthy, abandoned, and sometimes invisible, by the people I loved the most. I have carried this with me all my life until recently, when I realized that I am worthy and that I am the only person who can stop the patterns and behaviors that I have allowed in the past. This is such a refreshing and incredibly freeing feeling.
It took a lot of work, which I will continue to do, but peeling back the sticky layers of the icky that I have allowed, has made me feel lighter. My windows have been dirty for a very long time, and now I can see through them as though the light is just a little bit brighter.
I have often imagined going back in time to be able to stop someone from hurting me, lying to me, cheating on me, or treating me less than I deserve. But each time I ponder that thought, I am reminded that I would not be where I am now if it were not for all the experiences I have had in my life; the good, the bad, and even the ugly.
If I knew then that I would be where I am now, I would have treasured those experiences for the gifts they have turned out to be. We cannot go backwards; we cannot change what has already happened... but we can change how we move forward. Don't let the past get in the way of you embracing, and joyfully savoring your life. We have right now, and we are gifted this moment, and this glorious day. Make it the very best that you can. Find a way to let go of the anger, resentment, regret, or guilt. I carried mine for far too long and it was not healthy for me. Trust me when I tell you that letting it go... feels amazing.
I am exactly where I am supposed to be. My children have grown into incredible adults, who I respect and admire probably more than they know. I feel love from my granddaughters that makes me giggle inside. I have a daughter-in-law who loves my son as deeply as he deserves to be loved. I have deep and strong friendships, that I cherish with every ounce of my being. I am doing work that fills my soul and reminds me day after day what it feels like to do something you are passionate about. And one day I will fall in love with someone who will scream from the rooftops how happy I make them (and of course I will do the same).
I am exactly where I am supposed to be... the road was bumpy, but it brought me here.
Because I have started peeling the layers and letting stuff go, I can now wake up every single day thinking about my life, my blessings, and the people I love... and I whisper... I love you, I love you, I love you ... and nothing else matters.
Please visit my website for my class: Ritual & Ceremony - Forgiveness of Self and Others. Maybe it can help you on the path of letting it go. xo