Pancake Grief

What is pancake grief? Let me explain…

When my brother died, the grief was so deep it brought every other loss to the surface. It felt like he was the top pancake added to an already tall stack, fragile, heavy, and ready to fall. Grief already feels that way, but pancake grief is messy!

I look at it like this, when we are young, our first experience with death places the first pancake on the plate. We see it. We know it’s there. Maybe we even talk about it, briefly, and then we tuck it away.

As life goes on the stack grows, because grief starts showing up in many different ways; relationships change, life changes, jobs change, and our pets and people we love die. And as we get older, the pancakes get heavier, not necessarily because the losses are bigger, but because we were never taught how to work through any of them. So we cover it with syrup, hoping that it looks or feels differently. So we don’t actually have to see it. Or feel it.

And then you have a loss (in this case it was my sister Laura), which is so big you cannot work through it, you cannot even look at it because it feels as though it has ripped you open, so you tuck it in further. You hide from it. Which is what I did.

And then someone else dies (my brother Ben), and the reality of all the loss you have experienced, and the grief you never really worked through, faces you, it looks you right in the eye and says, "do you see me now?" And your answer is, "yes, I see all of you." And you find yourself in such deep pain that you don't know what to do. But you know you need help.

Pancake Grief is something I made up because that is what it felt like for me, a stack of pancakes, piled one on top of the other, messy with syrup, sticky, and falling over.

When my brother died, I realized I had never truly worked through the death of my my parents, my sister, my sons father, dear friends, my dogs, or even the grief I had witnessed as a hospice nurse. It had all been quietly stacking.

We have to work through our grief.

We have to talk about it.

Feel it.

Sit with it.

Acknowledge it.

We shouldn’t have to feel like we have to “move on” from it. We won’t ever forget, and shouldn’t ever have to stop saying their names.

We can learn to face our grief and carry it differently. Healing means slowly lifting the pancakes from the bottom of the stack, gently and intentionally, one at a time, so it doesn’t all come crashing down at once.

If you are grieving multiple losses, please reach out for help. Many hospices offer free grief support to members of the community, whether they were using the hospice services or not. There are counselors, support groups, books, and hotlines. Grief doesn’t disappear, but it becomes a little easier to navigate when it is shared.

And if you know someone who is grieving, don’t let them do it alone. Give them space. Don’t smother. But don’t stop extending your hand.

xo,

Gabby